Normally, this space is for me to write about some new dashboard that I put together, but today, it's a little more personal. Yesterday we had my son's 10th birthday party and we spent the day with some family at the water park (I have some video here: http://youtu.be/0FUwzOsNk80). Anyway, I digress, I recent read a post that a friend shared of an "Open Letter to my ex-friend" or something. It kind of hit me that I have had a few people that have left my life, and one in particular that I wanted to say something to. Since I will most likely never speak to them anytime soon, and probably never again, I wrote a letter to him.
Dear former friend,
First, I’ll admit it, I miss you. I miss taking off on a Wednesday afternoon to go do something just because it was your half day off of work. I miss late nights drinking beer talking about whatever it was we talked about. I miss the way things used to be. Most of all I miss our family. I enjoyed being part of your family, before I was really a part of it, you know before I married into it. I was there for all the major holiday’s and even the less major ones. I enjoyed my time with my real family, but couldn’t wait to get to my ‘other’ family. I think I spent more time with you and your family than my real family. That’s what I really miss, is our family.
You and the family moved, but we made the trip to see you. Do you remember what you did for the first couple of years when we would arrive? You would leave work, to come pick me up and take me to the beach. You would tell me how much you enjoyed being close to the beach and that it never gets old, and I would tell you that I grew up vacationing on the beach and I enjoyed it, but I didn’t have to be there all the time. It was our little argument. Our trips to visit was special, because we were bringing the family back together, and it was like old times. We may have walked away from some of our childish ways, but we still could have a good time.
It was after a few years of being away when things changed. I don’t know exactly what it was, or when, but you and I started to talk less often, and when we would make the trip down, you didn’t drop everything to come and get me. I had to come see you at your work, so you could tell all the boys “This is my brother-in-law that I told you about.” They would ask me about stories that you told them, and I would correct the parts that you embellished. This was fun for a while, but this too changed. It started to feel like I was a bother when I would stop in, you know you were too busy, or whatever, it wasn’t the same. I didn’t feel welcome anymore. The conversation started to seem forced, so I stopped coming in.
The thing that bothered the most was, I, and my family were not important enough for you to take time away from your job. It was always about me taking time off to come visit, but only one time did you come back “home” to visit us. And do you remember what happened? You sat around worried about your work. Always on the phone with them. You sat in my house as said “I should have just flown in, had everyone meet me at the airport, and then went back home.” this was the trip you made to meet your nephew for the first time, and it was a burden on you to be back “home”. This is when I realized you had really changed. You see, I was in denial that people could, or did change until I dropped you and your family off at the airport, 6 hours before your flight. You would rather hang out in the airport, than spend any time with your family. I’m sure you don’t remember that I in fact took vacation time off work for your visit, but that’s what I do, not what you do.
That’s what makes us different I guess. I don’t just say I enjoy and love my family, I show it. It’s easy to take pictures and post them on social media, and say how much you love your family, but it’s another to actually do it. I think this is where I really started to have a problem. You would talk to me on social media, and make like we were still cool. But then when I come to your house, you barely speak to me. Do you remember Christmas a couple years ago? We drove 12 hours to spend Christmas with our family. We show up and your house, and you hardly even speak to us. You would talk to me and my wife, you sister-in-law, through our son, your nephew. The best part of that day, and I will never forget it for as long as I live. We all sat down to eat dinner at your dining room table, and what do you do? You make a plate, and walk your happy ass back into the living room, flop down on the couch to eat and watch TV. Your wife says “Why don’t you come and eat with your family?” to which I said “I don’t want to put him out, he doesn’t need to eat in here just because of us”. You did come in, sat across the table from me, scarfed down your food and went back to the couch. Merry F’in Christmas right? I say F you! That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I had enough. It was the last time I ever went to your house, and one of the last times we were ever even in the same room together. Do you remember the last time you even seen me?
I do, it was just a couple months ago, we had moved south to Myrtle Beach. We are only about 2 hours away now, so we came for a visit to see our family. Your wife was working a car show, we stopped in to hang out for a bit, and wound up getting roped into participating. It wasn’t what I really wanted to do, but I did it. Why? For my family, you see it’s what family does. We help each other, when we can, and this was something that I could do. I sacrificed my time, to sit in a parking lot and hang out. You show up, and wouldn’t even look at me, or my wife. Your wife said “Aren’t you going to say hi to your family” and as you walked away, with your back to us, threw up a hand like “hi”, then got in your car and left. Well, F you buddy, if I wasn’t done before, I’m done now.
What did I do that you are so angry at me that you can’t even look at me? Was it because I made comments about guitars, or Mustangs or whatever? That’s who I am. I like to have fun, and most of it was just doing what Mustang and Camaro guys do, give each other crap about their cars. But you didn’t take any of it as a joke at all. I’m sure you remember the last thing I actually said to you don’t you? You had posted a comment about a Fender guitar being the best guitar in the world, or something. It was your opinion. I made a comment, sharing my opinion, and get attacked. You never said anything to me, but you got your wife all riled up to talk to my wife. Your guitar teacher attacked me in a private message. I was the bad guy for saying anything to you. You see for me, it was like if my opinion doesn’t match yours, then I am wrong and attacking you.
It was at this point of my being attacked that I unfriended you and your family on social media. I had to do this, so I wouldn’t be tempted to comment, or say anything to be taken out of context as I didn’t want to offend anyone. In my mind, it was better this way, at least for a while. It wasn’t too long after, I came back and friended your wife and daughter. This is my family, and I wasn’t going to let one person keep us all apart. I feel that this is your goal though, you want to keep your family to yourself, and you push everyone else away.
I guess I should have seen it coming. I was in your life for 10 years, and I saw people come and go. I saw how your other friends who had moved away, came back to visit you, but you never went to visit them. I saw close friends of yours just stop coming by. I couldn’t understand why they slowly disappeared until now, as it has happened to me. I look back at everything and see how I was phased out, like everyone else in your life. You don’t need me anymore, you have a new friend.
The thing that bugs me, because you are my brother-in-law, people still ask how you’re doing. I used to say “oh you, know, he’s good”, but I really didn’t know. It bugs me that I actually saw it coming, but there was nothing that I could do about it. Like they say, you can lead a horse to water, you can’t make it drink. I make myself available, but I can’t make you speak to me.
All this comes down to one thing. The golden rule, treat others the way you want to be treated. Well, I read you loud and clear. I have done that. You don’t speak to me, I don’t speak to you, and you know what that does? It makes me look like an asshole, but I don’t really care, because I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of acting like a crazy ex-boyfriend that can’t stop stalking his ex-girlfriend. Yes, I was like that, asking what you’re doing, driving by to see if you were at work, contemplating going in to say hey. Hell, I even said I would still speak to you if I see you out, but the last time I seen you, and you wouldn’t even look at me, that idea went straight out the window. I’m certainly not going out of my way to speak to you, but if you speak to me, I will certainly speak to you, and I will be cordial and polite.
You know, there’s something that I’ve wanted to say to you for a while, after my dad died. I learned a lesson watching him die. You see, it was always about work for him. He thought that he was taking care of his family by working himself to death. He would bring his work problems home with him, and basically, he never left work, even when he was home. I see you doing this, in that you are the first one in, and the last to leave. The guys are always calling you. You are worried about hitting and exceeding your goals so you get your bonus. I know money is important, and you need it to take care of your family, but you need to let that shit go, and spend time with your family. Having all the money in the world means nothing if you can’t enjoy it. It’s a delicate balancing act where you work to support your family, and relax and enjoy your family. You can’t enjoy them when you’re dead, and they certainly don’t want to watch you die from working yourself to death.
Good luck to you, my former friend. I wish things could be the way they were, but unfortunately, that won’t happen. You see, things are different now. We are different people because of this. You see it’s true, people do change. We are always learning from our mistakes and our accomplishments. I don’t regret anything from past, as I learned a lot about who I am. I’m still the same fun guy, that you could never tell if I was drunk or not, but I don’t drink anymore. I have cleaned up my life of all those bad habits, and I concentrate of my family. Its family first for me, and I feel good about it. I enjoy my spending time with my wife and my son. I feel like I have it all now, but the only thing that I could ever ask for, was more time with our family.
So that is my letter to my friend. Maybe he'll read it, maybe he won't. I don't really care either way I have gotten this of my chest, and now maybe I can get back to my life without that "crazy ex" feeling of being all consumed with what happened and why. This is my closer to a meaningful bro-mance, lol
Until next time,
Todd
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